much like a succulent, i have learned to survive historical droughts by deeply consuming everything that can nurture me even if it’s only once in a while
as soon as i have the means to do so, i’ll get someone to crack my whole skeleton because my bones currently feel like they have been holding the weight of the world and cannot take it anymore even if there’s nothing physically holding them back. this heavy set of events weighs on my shoulders and neck more than anything i have survived and oh boy do i have stories to tell to everyone that is willing to Listen. it’s hard to even try and put into words what is actually going on. i’m not exactly sure how or why i am still here and whatever the future holds for my rebel heart and everyday is a roller coaster i didn’t sign up for. the one thing i’ll say is that i have never found as many unexpected allies as i have in the past few weeks and whatever happens in the next few days, it’s a testament to the humanity that has held us together at any point of our lives. i’m still constantly let down and people that once walked into war right next to me now seem to have returned to their holes and maybe they are fighting a war of their own too.
getting to the point, every day i’m scared and can’t stop thinking about what will happen next. every door that i knock seems to be answered by another knock rather than being opened or closed and it leaves me with no answers or paths to go. i have certainly been bamboozled by the one entity I’ve always known to be my greatest enemy so it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but as the moronic soul that I am, i let it bring me down to hell. now that i’m thinking about it, i can’t even say that i am in hell because my present isn’t as certain as the evil that exists in hell — the present is more of a purgatory and i am terrified of going to hell. i certainly don’t think that the other option is necessarily heaven, but it’s at least living to give me a chance to find (create) my own paradise. it’s tough and it hurts and this is the hardest thing i have ever been through and i keep going back to things i could have done or not done to improve my present but there’s really nothing that would have changed the thread that is my life now, every single decision that i have made or not made has brought me unexpected gifts and boxes that i have opened only to find snakes inside. so no, there’s no good in thinking what could have been different and in in my hands before. it still hurts and i feel as powerless as ever but also extremely strong because for some godforsaken reason i keep going, you know? for some reason i haven’t lost faith and every day there’s at least a moment of peace and tranquility that makes me feel like maybe i am truly about to hit the biggest home run of my life. if i remember correctly, when i first addressed this issue earlier this year i mentioned a long list of baseball players that i have always admired. it is this list that includes mostly clutch perfomers in the playoffs, players that changed the culture of history forever, that defied logic and expectations, that maybe, just maybe decided to take what makes them human and turned into seconds or decades of memories that are still remembered. and now i feel like i need their inspiration more than ever, that if any of my spirit guides ever managed to hit a walk-off grand slam in game 7 of the world series of the realm of the unknown, i need them to help me out.
what exactly can i control i ask myself everyday as if the answer will actually answer anything because i know that everything is inside me and i rewatched frances ha for the 100th time the other night and couldn’t stop thinking about how her life just takes her cruising and we see her suffer and strive but still cry and realize that maybe being this age is something that no one ever prepared us for. and how she just rolls with the punches. much like she feels about some of the more minor characters of the movie, i also have some sort of disdain for those that are living their lives without facing reality only because they don’t have to, because they buy their little amazon things and forget about what made them feel or just let themselves be consumed by whatever stupid hollywood thing is making their eyes stop blinking. and much like frances, i also am some sort of envious of them because oh how much i would like to live a life where my worries are banal and my little consciousnes slowly shrinks by the day. it would be much easier and healthier than being in this mid-life purgatory that seems to never end.
and i am terribly mad at her, i really don’t think when or if things will be good again (of course i know that they will be at some point, but right now it feels like the depth of the knife that cut me reached bones that i didn’t think were part of my body). something similar happens to frances and i remember when we watched the movie a year ago i told her that she truly is my sophie because of all the shitty things she does and how she’d be the one to drunkenly crash my apartment to vent about her fiance and talk about a miscarriage and how she hates her life only to go back with her stupid boyfriend the morning after while leaving a letter saying that she was too drunk to remember anything that was discussed, thanking me for the attention i provided. but i didn’t know how much it would hurt to not have a friend like her by my side, how much of life we have to navigate in our own by only receiving unexpected aid from random allies along the way.
the uncertainty of my whole life right now also has a very “me” layer to it. but i guess i’ll write about it later.
