whatever goes inside my head is a world of its own

so i just finished watching twin peaks: the return and as expected, it blew my mind away and the whole universe of TP now has me on a chokehold that has never even felt my body before. it’s hard to talk about a party that i’ve arrived too late to, way more talented and detail-oriented people than me have written articles and recorded podcasts that deeply analyze the Twin Peaks universe. however, as a David Lynch enjoyer and now-disciple I am well aware of how important it is to never forget that his work is mostly about how it made you feel, the only interpretations that matter are the ones that only live inside your head as he will never give us a definite answer on anything, from the mundane to the existential.

one of my initial reactions throughout the first episodes was how enjoyable it was to consume david lynch’s approach to modern filmmaking. visually speaking (and as a whole), it’s unlike anything i have ever seen before. it’s not just about the cinematography or computer-generated animations, but about how the mise-en-scene tells a story of its own that deeply captures your eyes. lynch of course has been doing this for decades, but never on digital so seeing his own vision in HD was a perfect treat.

i never started to question my reality until the last eight episodes or so, which i binge watched in the span of 18 hours. i’ve been meaning to write about this other situation that is impacting me more than i initially thought. no need to explain what it is exactly, a what if, a dream of sorts is coming to an end and i never got to materialize any of my emotions and everything that i bottled up is now making a bevarage i won’t enjoy drinking. i first started watching twin peaks because fire walk with me was going to be in the theater this thursday, i caught up, bought a ticket, bla bla bla and the day before, she appeared again in an expected situation, one i even looked forward to. the last few times i couldn’t stop thinking how beatifully tragic it all was for me, how my own reality inside the dream hurt in a way i hadn’t enjoyed in a while and that was a sign of someone that made me feel like feeling was possible again. knowing that the dream is coming to an end facilitated everything, i was able to focus on the shared world we built and the chess matches our brains played against each other whenever it was only us and a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of liquor or several bottles of beer and glasses of wine. wednesday night was once again a chapter that belongs in the same book where we wrote our favorite stories, that one-story house that got too hot in the summer but we will never forget the cold january nights when phoebe bridgers smashed her guitar and the night before we followed a thread that led us to how strong our feelings were going to be. on wednesday night we ate and drank and smoked and talked and you asked if you could get a ticket to watch fire walk with me tomorrow and i agreed and then i couldn’t stop thinking about it until i saw you again and we entered the dream together and left wanting more than we could ever have. with red velvet drapes and david bowie heading the most fever dream scene of all time, something we both have always appreciated, and looking back at how much i’ve written this thing i now realize somewhere along the way i started writing this to you. we hugged and i stared at the beer can you left on my kitchen table realizing that we will probably not see each other again and how much i regret all the things i only know and perhaps you suspect but we both know exist only inside our dreams, alongside multiple songs and nights and laughs and arguments and complaints and booze. kerouac’s birthday is approaching and i know i will always associate that date with you as i will always associate fire walk with me with our dream and how it all ended before it could start.

watching the return surprisingly gave me an exit from this world into a new one, where questions that have been asked in the past will never get an answer now that you’re leaving. i guess the first two seasons and fire walk with me matter only to provide context to what’s undeniably the larger story in the return. more dreams, more fucked up stuff, more questions, more visuals and even an eraserhead episode. it all blew my mind and going back to questions, i go back to what You asked me a few months ago that I think I finally have an answer to.

if we take the return at face value, it all happens inside a Dale Cooper’s dream, maybe the one inside the Black Lodge, the one that never met David Bowie, Evil Cooper, we will never know. but david lynch’s larger point is that regardless of how many dream loops there may exist inside twin peaks, it’s up to us to consider and feel them into a resulation that satisfies our personal vieweing experience. life doesn’t make sense, everyone lives inside a dream and inside that dream are other dreams shared with other minds and souls. this allows us to create worlds like the one You and I have created over almost two years now, how I know I feel a certain way about You and You’ll probably never feel the same way about me. but regardless i know there are feelings from you involved in this dream of us, in this dance of us, and i will never know what they are but i can feel their presence nonetheless. this connection probably exists when you are in it, when it becomes shared and we open the windows into our personal homes inside our souls. and i think that’s just what this is all about, as stupid as it may sound. that you are You and I am Me and then We are and it all happens in this dream, where signals are sent and received by energies that can only exist inside this that we call Us.

isn’t that the way it has always been?

now i know why i have been attracted to a certain kind of media and if the dreams they cause in their consumers turned out to be shared, what a wonderful thing.

i love you, i think i always have but maybe it’s also what i love that only i know exist. i have the answers now, i think.